Can Kelly Function Without The Internet? The Answer: NO!

So Wednesday, I was online, surfing for some information. (Which is like saying, "So Wednesday, the Pope woke up Catholic." Because my laptop is like an extra appendage. I puffy-pink-heart it.) (Which is foreshadowing, so be warned.)

I clicked on of Google's fabulous results from my question, and instead of sending me to the page I requested, a spam search page loaded, complete with pop-up ad. ("You're computer is infected with viruses!!! Would you like to scan??? YES or NO.") I clicked the X button to close the pop-up (which is what you should always do, but you knew that, right?) and shut the bogus page and went about my business.

One minute later, my precious Firefox crashed. CRASHED. I sent an error report, rebooted and started again.

And once again, my search results redirected me to a spam page. (A different one, but it had the same stench.) I figured out, if I clicked "back," Firefox would take me to the page I was trying to get to. But after a few more minutes, Firefox crashed again.

I started to suspect that my sweet little laptop had contracted a ITD. (Internet Transmitted Disease.) My suspicions were confirmed a few minutes later when my wireless connection reconnected itself to the Internet after I had disabled it and then proceeded to LOCK ME OUT. "You cannot shut down this function. It is being used by someone else on the system." Oh really? And who would that be? THE BABY?!? No one else was at home!

Thus began the witchhunt for the elusive malware. I've run all kinds of scans (including McAfee, which has been running on my system this whole time, worthless piece of which makes me question its value), in both regular and safe mode. THEY CAN FIND NOTHING! Every scan comes back completely clean. But obviously, something is up.

Which is why I'm writing this on our back-up laptop, which is normally reserved for the kids' computer games because it's glacially slow. (Also? The wireless Internet card only works if I have the laptop on the dining room table, pointed at the north wall, while I wear a hat made of tinfoil and refuse to answer the phone. And even then, it drops its connection every 12 minutes, just to keep you guessing.) Corey took my precious laptop with him to work today to have his IT department look at it, and it only took me about 30 minutes without a computer to start feeling shaky and crabby and paranoid. (I believe that's the first step in detox, isn't it?)

If Corey's team isn't able to find anything, I'm thinking about calling the Geek Squad. They charge $150 (GULP!) to remove malware or viruses, and that bugs me, because I've got some geek blood in me and I hate to pay someone else to do something that's usually a simple task. But gosh darn it, if I can't find it, I can't remove it. And if I can't remove it, I can't have my laptop back. And if I can't have my laptop back, I'll go crazy.


You know what else bugs me? (This is steam of consciousness; can you tell?) I had all sorts of posts I was going to write the last few days. Wednesday, I was going to post a video of Teyla that shows what a monkey she is these days and link to my 5 Minutes for Parenting post, which explains why eating in restaurants is dead to me for the next year or so. (Hint: the video illustrates the post.) Yesterday, I was going to post My Big Story, which is teetering on the brink of being old news. And today, I was going to post a link to an Easter iMix I made this week (before the computer got funkified), because I love Easter and I love music, and I think Easter gets cheated in this regard.

But maybe my computer will be resurrected (I am SO RESISTING THE JOKES, people, because I don't think they are all that respectful) by tomorrow, so I can post the music.

I sure hope so. Because otherwise?

Crazy. CRAZY!

(I'm suddenly reminded of Carmen's "It may feel like Friday night, but Sunday's on the way." Do you remember that song? It's a little too dramatic for the mix, but the lyrics are classic.)


  1. I feel your pain. Literally. My laptop crashed the other day. Hubby put in a new hard drive. Crashed again. I just dropped it off at Fed Ex this AM to send it to Dell.

    Deep breaths. . . .

  2. I had the same thing happen to me on ... it might have been Wednesday, but now I can't remember. Actually, I think it was last week (oh, pregnancy brain). Anyway, between Norton and my husband's manic computer-clearing skills, we got things up and running again, but for two days there I was DESPERATE. Got a lot of house-cleaning done, though ...

  3. I had this same virus months ago. Actualy it was just about a month after receiving a new laptop for my birthday and it killed my birthday gift (or so it seemed). What made matters worse is that I live in Germany and had no idea how to get it fixed. There's not Geek Squad here! I was able to take it to the computer shop in our small town and it was repaired by the afternoon. He had to replace the entire internal hard drive or something like that. He basically said that McAfee is worthless and that most of the computers he gets in with viruses have it on there. Anyway, I was so anxious without my laptop and fearing that I would never have it back.

    I hope yours is easily repaired. I would love to hear that Easter mix.

  4. I would love to hear your Easter mix and see your videos.

    But I can one up you in the computer virus department... currently my blog is DING DONG DEAD.

    It's like the Wicked Witch of the West with a big house lying on top it. Because I had 8,000 (yes, litterally 8-flippin-thousand) spam comments to my site in a 24 hour period and they somehow compromised every thingamabob which makes THE BLOG WORK.

    (See empty blog for evidence.)

    (And also, bleeding paypal account because I do not speak computer.)

    So there. I think I win.

  5. go mac baby.. you will NEVER ever regret it.. promise

  6. So, when your laptop is back in tiptop shape could you please post the picture of you in the tin hat? I'd LOVE to see it:)

  7. But Kelly can indeed write a humorous post even with a tin foil hat! :-)

  8. Same thing happened a while ago to me...every time I clicked on a google search it locked up or went to another site altogether. My husband cleared everything and reinstalled Windows.

    We're saving up for Macs.

    Geek Squad is awful! I suggest asking around at church for help - I know a bunch of IT guys who like these kinds of challenges.

    Best of luck!

  9. Yikes! Hope the IT guy figures it out. Computer problems remind me of car problems. They better run when I need them to, otherwise I am VERY unhappy. Good luck! PS. I'm not a fan of Macs.

  10. Oh yes you DID pull the Carmen down from the shelf. LOVE. IT.

    I would also love to hear the Easter mix.

    If it makes you feel any better, I've never done any work from a laptop - I'm forever and always chained to the desktop.

    All these tales of the crashing-ness of laptops makes me suddenly question my laptop lust.


  11. NOO!!!! I hate it when something happens to the computers!

    Although my connection is usually glacial, which is annoying as I'm paying for the good connection and I know it's theoretically possible, here in Rabat.

    And yes, why does NO ONE do an Easter album when EVERYONE does Christmas albums? You'd think, law of averages, something would happen.

    Haven't thought of that Carmen song in years. But it could be on this theoretical album. Know any musicians? Good ones?

  12. My computer was down with viruses this week too! My husband is a techy guy, and it still took him DAYS to clear everything up. Thanks, internet cootie people!

  13. FYI.....My husband is an IT Specialist and traced my malware to Facebook...happened to me twice..