These are the last deep thoughts I'll have this week, I promise

I have to admit -- yesterday's post made me nervous. Really nervous. Butterflies-in-the-stomach nervous. All night long, I wrestled with the urge to run to my computer and delete the post. Of course, since I would have had to get out of my warm and cozy bed to do that, I managed to hold myself in check.

But still -- I was still nervous. (And lazy. What a combination.) I wondered how my reminiscing would be received, if it would be too melancholy for readers who might stop by looking for their daily dose of funny.

And then I started getting your comments. Thank you. They made the vulnerability worth it.

One of my favorite bloggers wrote about miscarriage recently, saying it's a right of passage no one tells you about, an almost universal step on the road of motherhood.

So true. Many of us have walked this path.

Still, I want to make clear -- this is my story. I wanted to share it because Monday was a tender day between me and my Jesus. But I would die a thousand deaths inside if it in any way caused you to doubt your own journey through loss.

For example, when I said I wasn't mad at God, I want you to know it's perfectly fine if you were -- or are. That's just where I was at that point. The four years previous to the miscarriage were the hardest, most devastating years of my life. I had already raged at God, pounded my fist on His chest and demanded to know why He allowed horrible pain in my life. Frankly, I was too tired to do it again -- especially after He so gently led me along the path to healing the time before.

I also know my loss at 12 weeks doesn't compare to the agony some of my friends have lived through. Losing a baby in the first trimester isn't like losing a baby at 20 weeks. Or 35 weeks. Or after birth. For me, it was the loss of a possibility, the end of a precious dream. As I wrote in my journal last year, I hadn't gotten the chance to know that little one yet. That changed the way I grieved. A few weeks after the miscarriage, I was ready to move on. God lifted my head and filled me with hope.

But for some people, a miscarriage is profoundly life-altering, and it takes months or even years to grieve that loss. If this is you, please know -- that's OK too. God makes all kinds of different people, and He can use each story. If you are still in the valley of the shadow? I can only point you toward Jesus. He knows your name. He sees your tears. And I believe He knows what He's doing -- even when we can't see it, even when we don't like it.

Yesterday, as I studied Teyla's sweet face -- which is covered with baby acne, poor pitiful little girl -- I marveled at God's mystery. His ways are higher than mine -- and wonderfully so. I don't know how He manages to redeem the heartbreak. I don't understand how He grows something beautiful out of our tears when we sow them in Him.

I just know He does. Always.


  1. after i read your story i almost wrote my story. for some reason i'm not ready to type it out loud yet. but it helps me to read your story and so many others who have experienced the same loss. so thank you for not deleting it.
    i think you are brave.

  2. I didn't comment yesterday, but I did read the post. It made me teary and sad for your loss. But it also, weirdly, made me thankful for your honesty and transparency in sharing how you made it through such a difficult time in your life. With God. With God. =)

    I love your wit and humor, Kelly, and have laughed at most every post I've ever read of yours. But it's okay to share the other side of things as well. My friends here that I find myself drawn to the most are the ones who allow themselves to be vulnerable. We've broken through that "everything's fine with me" layer and can be REAL with each other. I think that's what people really want in a friendship, and I think that's what you accomplished yesterday.

    Much love,

    ~ Leah

  3. I've been enjoying your blog for the past couple of weeks (sorry I don't remember how I found it) and I appreciate your honesty in talking about your loss - every situation affects us all differently and it always helps me to go through a difficult situation when I have other peoples testimonies of Gods grace through their trials

  4. Oh, friend, I know the insecurity that follows posting something so honest and raw and vulnerable...and the corresponding desire to delete it. But I'm so glad your bed was warm and cozy because your decision to trust your God is worth celebrating. I also appreciate the sensitivity that prompted this post. We all hurt, we all doubt, we all go through seasons where we "rage at God, pound our fists and demand to know why." It's the fiery crucible that refines our faith, showing it genuine, and revealing our God sovereign and faithful. Even in the yuck, maybe even especially in the yuck.

    I love your wit, but I love your deep thoughts too...

  5. Thank you for writing such sweet follow up.

    I thought that your intentions were perfectly clear in yesterday's post. I think God's mercy and grace were especially clear.

    You were prompted to write your painful (yet hopeful) story for a reason. Somebody, probably lots of somebodies, needed to hear it JUST LIKE THAT.

    Thank you so much for sharing.

  6. Kelly have you ever heard the song Glory Baby by Watermark? They wrote it after losing two babies. It is so beautiful. I sob all the way through it, but it is beautiful. It is on iTunes or you can also find it on youtube.

    Buy the Aveeno oatmeal lotion and glob it on her face all day long - at least 3x a day. It is magic on the acne. So are their baby bath salts.

  7. Sweet Kelly, I always love to read your posts, whether you have a smile or a tear to share. I so appreciate your vulnerability, as well as your heart for wanting to be sure others know that wherever they are in their journey is okay - just that they keep going after God.

    Like Lisa, I too am glad you didn't delete it.

    I am so well-acquainted with the world of self-doubts and "what ifs". But you can send them packing on this one!


  8. I think Bub and Pie is right, so many of us go through it, and yet so many do not talk about it.
    I think the more stories told, the more we realize we are not alone and can grieve together, although each in her own way.
    Thank-you for telling your story.

  9. Your post yesterday was written with the guidance of God himself. Thank you for opening up about how God directed you, loved you and guided you through a valley in your life. He is doing much the same in mine...

  10. Poor Teyla.

    I'm glad you didn't delete your post, I thought it was beautiful and I love to read you every single day weather you are funny or not. Because real life is not always funny, right?

  11. Kelly, you always share things in a way that is real. That is what I love about you. thank you, girl!

  12. Funny is good, real is best. I love to read whatever you share- funny or deep, it's all good:-)
    Thanks for sharing your heart... I am sure God used your words to minister to someone who needed comfort.

  13. I also read your post yesterday but didn't comment. As crazy as this may sound it was encouraging. Although I've never been through anything like that it was so encouraging to hear a story of a child of God learning to lean completely on Him. And I loved today how you commented on the mystery of God. Isn't it just beautiful? We know He is good and when we go through something tragic, we see His goodness & mercy shine through those trials and that to me is an amazing mystery! It's a beautiful thing when our God shines through our weakness. We prove truly how faithful He is.

    (Oh and I don't know if you are nursing or not... But mama's milk works great on baby acne! As crazy as it sounds, it works. A lactation specialist told me that and I tried it!)

  14. Kelly I'm so glad you wrote yesterdays comment. When something like that happens people don't realize that the loss of a baby is the loss of a child no matter what the age. I lost my son at 16 there is no difference to me. It is a big deal and you mourn the sameway. Thanks for the post.

  15. Kelly,

    Thanks for sharing. Even though some of us have not gone through what you have, I think it is refreshing to hear stories of God's plan revealed.


  16. I love that you shared your story with us, Kelly.

    I find that when I write those posts I'm always blessed by the response.

    So thankful for your little Teyla!

  17. What a beautiful post. Both of them. Thank you for sharing these.

  18. Thanks for sharing your heart. It is true that while so many of share the same painful experience, the path our life takes after that is not the same. It is good to encourage each other and to resist comparing. Praise the Lord for sweet Teyla, she is truly a blessing!

  19. Kelly,

    Thank you for sharing your story. You did a beautiful job unveiling your heart. I found your site just today accidentally and I truly think that the Lord led me here. I had a miscarriage nearly five years ago and delivered two healthy children since then, but during the past few months, I felt God calling me to write about that loss. My family has healed since then and I am probably in a good emotional place to write it, but I keep putting it off. Transparency is so important in the body of Christ and I am so glad you did not delete your posts. Love, Angela